Motherhood Regrets and Revelations

It was Brooke’s first birthday yesterday. Honestly, I always imagined that my kids’ first birthdays would be full of excitement and fun. Yesterday was not. Thinking about her first year brought up a lot of feelings, especially ones that I have been trying to push down, like regret.

 

Regret in motherhood. It’s a thing.

I always planned on being a mom. I was beyond excited to give birth to our beautiful, perfect baby girl. Those first few days, weeks, and months with her were amazing. (I think, haha. I can’t actually remember too many specific things from those days.) I soaked in everything I could. I felt so much love for her and gave everything to her. I embraced my new life of motherhood fully. Looking back, I realize now that what I was trying to be for her and give to her was unsustainable. I didn’t accept much help from Daniel and I worried about her like crazy. From day one, I worried that I would mess up somehow and ruin her life (or cause her to suffocate… that was scary).

I enjoyed being with her, but I also felt so much pressure and anxiety. I had a huge book of “how I want to be as a mother” ideals in my mind about the kind of mom I wanted to be. I wanted to exercise every morning, have good routines, feel love for her always, teach her all the time by reading to her and talking to her, be happy and enthusiastic, pay attention to her, form a strong and healthy emotional attachment, be a good example for her in every way, teach her sign language, keep a tidy home, cook healthy meals, and be the kind of mom that combined all the greatest traits of all the amazing mothers I had ever seen. Whew! That is a lot of pressure. It’s a lot to expect of myself right off the bat.

Over the months, I would constantly badger myself with questions like, “Am I doing enough? Did I read to her for long enough? Did I play with her enough? Did I talk to her and give her enough eye contact? Did she feel my frustration when I got upset? Does she feel insecure because we don’t have a good routine?” And then I would do something to compensate for these feelings. I would compulsively do something to counteract my worries. I would talk to her or sing a song to her or make her do tummy time.

As you might imagine, this way of mothering was not sustainable. Continuing these patterns, along with doing some deep healing of some childhood wounds, led to some really, really dark days, weeks, and months. I had to force myself to smile at her and talk to her. Most of the time, I was in such deep emotional pain that I listened to podcasts or music, so I wouldn’t have to be alone with my self-defeating thoughts and feelings. It felt like I was barely surviving.

This was not the experience I ever hoped for or imagined. I thought I was going to be an amazing mom. I had babysat and nannied, taken child development classes, taken birthing and breastfeeding classes, and here I was, feeling like a failure.

I lost myself in trying to be the perfect mom to Brooke. And so, now I’m trying to find my way to a more joyful motherhood experience. I decided to work part time, so I can feel like a person outside of motherhood. I asked for more help from Daniel and I’m letting him help more. I am re-writing my “job description” for motherhood. And I’m working with a therapist and a coach to help me continue to process my past and move forward in the direction I want to go.

Grief is another strong feeling I have felt the past few days. I will never get that year back with Brooke. I will never be able to go back and change how things were. I don’t know if I caused permanent damage to her. (Even if I did, I believe in her ability to be resilient and heal from it.) That’s the cycle of life: we are raised by hurting, imperfect parents who do their best and we raise our kids in our wounded and incomplete state. The one thing I want to remember from this year is that I did my best with what I had. I did my best and I kept her alive. I did some important healing this past year that will positively affect our whole family for years to come. I chose to go on my journey to heal past wounds. It required and continues to require a lot of courage and strength to do that and do you know what? I’m proud of myself for doing it. At least I am doing that.

One more thing I am reminding myself is that (somehow) I believe I am the perfect mom for Brooke, that I am the mom she needs and that she is the daughter I need. I choose to believe that there’s wisdom in our relationship. Maybe, Brooke and I chose each other before we came to earth. In my darkest days this past year, it was Brooke’s light, energy, smiles and laughter that kept me going. Even in the midst of my struggles, I still enjoyed amazing moments with her. Those are the memories I choose to hold on to as we begin a new year together. I want to focus on living in the present as I move forward. I still want to try to follow examples of mothers I admire, but I also want to relax more, give myself grace, and learn to trust in my motherhood intuition.