The Story of our Angel Baby

One year ago today, Daniel and I found out we were parents.

We felt shocked and surprised that our birth control had failed…

and excited and looking forward to meeting our unexpected baby.

A few hours later, we found out that my pregnancy was ectopic.

We felt devastated…

and afraid that I might not make it (because ectopic pregnancies can be extremely dangerous).

 

I will always remember February 22, 2017 as the day we found out I was pregnant and the day we lost our baby. I had been feeling pain in my abdomen for a week and had no idea what was going on. The first doctor I went to misdiagnosed me with a UTI. A few days later, another doctor did a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I rushed to the ER, where I had an ultrasound and they found the ectopic pregnancy, along with a lot of internal bleeding. I was taken in for emergency surgery and woke up with scars, grief, and lots of questions.

So many things happened within about seven hours on the evening of February 22. At about 5:00, when we found out about my pregnancy, I felt so much love for our baby! I immediately thought about how amazing it would be like to meet him/her. I felt like my lifelong dream was coming true– I would finally be a mother! I had this beautiful feeling of motherhood fill my soul, a feeling of purpose and joy. That intense happiness only lasted about three hours before we found out that our baby could never make it. I remember feeling like I had fallen down 10 flights of stairs. I was heartbroken. I remember crying with Daniel, feeling so close to him in our sorrow, and holding each other tightly in my hospital bed before I went in for surgery. We were afraid that these could be our last moments together, since we didn’t know what the outcome would be of my surgery.

The full weight of what happened didn’t hit me until noon the next day, about 12 hours after my surgery. Before that time, I was just glad to be alive. I cried on and off for hours at a time for the first few weeks. Because of the surgery and the medicine they gave me, I didn’t feel back to normal physically for about a month. The physical recovery was much easier than my grief journey, however. It was (and is still) hard that we have so many unanswered questions about our baby. Was it a boy or girl? How long was I actually pregnant for? Will we get to meet our Angel Baby one day? Did that baby actually have a spirit?

I struggled with wondering if my grief was valid, since my pregnancy was so short. Sometimes I would even doubt that our baby was real. (I think I had been pregnant for about 2-3 weeks.) At the same time, I knew that letting myself feel all of the grief was important. I felt deep down that this baby was real and that I was feeling a real and deep loss for someone I yearned to know.

I had to go in and get my blood tested for 6 weeks to make sure the pregnancy hormone was leaving my body. Every time I had my blood drawn, I would think about where I was in my grieving process. During this time, as I wandered through darkness and heaviness, I wondered if I would ever feel happy again. I wondered if I would ever be able to have children. I wondered and worried about what my future would be like.

During these first few months, I also had some glimpses of hope and light. I felt so loved when friends and family brought over flowers, food, treats, and when they would help around the house or listen to me and let me cry with them. I felt support and love when I shared my experience on Facebook and many other women mourned with me and shared their experiences of losing a baby. I felt comforted when Daniel gave me a priesthood blessing. He was inspired to give me the promise that we would be blessed with a baby in the time that would bring our family the most happiness.

Even though our experience with losing a child is very different from what others have experienced, it was and is still real. I have felt close to our Angel Baby many times since we lost him/her a year ago. From that day on, I have felt like a mother. In many different situations at that time, I would think to myself, “What would I do if my kids were watching and learning from me right now? What do I want to teach them in the future? What would my highest self do?” I felt close to our Angel Baby every time I saw a spark of motherhood and felt the deep love and desire to nurture.

As I have pondered the loss of our Angel Baby in the past few days, it has been crazy to think about how things have turned out. I got pregnant again less than 2 months after losing our first baby. The beginning of my pregnancy with Brooke was full of sickness, grief, and fear, but also a deep sense of trust in God. I was so afraid to lose another baby, but I knew that God would help me through anything. I was willing to risk loss in order to have the chance of meeting this new baby.

There are so many more things I hope to share about what I have learned through losing a baby. I always want to remember and be grateful for our Angel Baby. One day I want to teach Brooke about her sibling and about how our family will be reunited in the next life. I want to remember and teach her about my transition into motherhood. Most of all, I want to remember that being a mother to children on earth is a privilege. I want to soak it in and appreciate all the little moments with Brooke and our future children. I want to keep trusting and leaning on the Lord to guide me and help me through this beautiful journey of motherhood.