2019 Victories

What a year 2019 has been!

In so many ways, this year was easier than 2018. I am getting more sleep because Brooke started sleeping through the night consistently (around April). I am also getting used to motherhood and enjoying it more. Most importantly, I am moving forward in my healing, which has allowed me to be more connected to myself and those closest to me.

It’s amazing to think of all the ways I’m changing and growing, right along with Brooke. I want to share some of my victories from this past year as a way to celebrate. I am getting stronger and also discovering the strength I’ve always had.

-I recorded two podcast episodes! One was on the Beyond Surviving Podcast and the other was with my friend who’s studying journalism at BYU. (I don’t have the recording of that one yet.)

-I made the empowered decision to quit my job as an organizer because it was such a  stressful environment. I also started babysitting some cute babies a few days a week, which is challenging in a good way.

-I shared my #Metoo story and have been more open about my healing, which has led to some wonderful friendships and connections. (It has been amazing to see people who are inspired by my story seek help/therapy for their own healing.)

-I went to the March to End Child Abuse in October. It was a little nerve-wracking (I ended up going alone– Brooke was sick, so Daniel had to stay home with her). It felt like I was standing up in a powerful way for my inner child and all the other children who suffer innocently.

-I met with and spoke to my abuser’s Church leaders about the terrible effects of abuse and why they should be extra careful to protect people around him. (This was scary as heck, but again, it was a way for me to speak the truth and stand up for my inner child and remind her that I am safe and supported now.)

-Daniel and I started going to couples therapy to help us with all the challenging things we are going through together and all the different changes that are happening in me and in our relationship. I am grateful for him being willing to go and it’s helping a lot.

-I supported Daniel as he continues his research in his PhD, applied for and was awarded a training grant in his program, and prepped for and passed his Qualifying Exams (the biggest project he has ever done and the hardest part of his 6-year program). It’s amazing to hear about his research, even though a lot of it goes over my head.

-I am keeping up with a wiggly almost-2 year-old Brooke. 🙂 I am learning about different parenting methods that resonate with me and trying to use what I learn with her. (A lot of Respectful Parenting, emotion-coaching, and Child Whisperer-type techniques.)

-I had the amazing experience going to The Haven Retreat, hosted by the Younique Foundation. It helped me so much to care for myself, connect with other survivors, and receive love in a way I never had before. (It’s a free retreat for female survivors of childhood sexual abuse, so I hope that everyone who’s eligible will go.)

-I have been learning to re-parent myself, to be true to myself, to be here for myself in compassionate and nurturing ways, and to stand up for what I really need. (I found this really awesome instagram page that has helped me a lot.) Because of that, I decided to have Brooke go to daycare part-time a few days a week next year. I know it will be a good thing for all of us, but it still feels like I’m breaking some made-up mom rules. I hope to start my path to become trained as a doula in this time when she’s at daycare.

I am looking forward to an amazing 2020, with lots of travel (our parents’ randomly decided to take us on huge trips in the same year), healing, growth, and learning.

Even with all the healing I’m doing, some days are really, really hard. I still get triggered and I’m letting myself feel more pain and shame that were layered deep inside me. But I’m grateful to be on this beautiful journey.

I’m grateful for my “sacred circle” of people beside me, who listen and hold me up when I feel like I can’t go on. I want to say thank you to the Universe, to God, to myself, to every person who has shown kindness and love this year. It is inspiring and it helps me remember this is all worth it. It turns out that there is a lot more love in the Universe if we open ourselves up to it. That’s what I have learned the most this year.

Even without any of my accomplishments and victories, I am enough. I am loved. And I am grateful to know that.