Letting Go of What I Thought Would Be

During this pandemic, does your heart hurt some days when you realize all the things that are different now compared to how you thought they would be? I am grieving some losses and taking time to honor my emotions. I’m also hoping to make room for new possibilities and lessons. Here are some things I am letting go of because of the world situation:

-My trips to Israel and Hawaii (I am so glad I went on my trip to California back in February)

-My sense of safety being in public and around people. I have had more anxiety and PTSD symptoms lately

-My alone time– Brooke is fun, but being with her so much can be exhausting, triggering, and I also have other things I also want to be able to do

-My exercise classes. I cried when I found out my favorite yoga studio had to shut down permanently

-Playgrounds, swings, story time at the library, and the trampoline place (for Brooke)

-Meeting up with cousins, friends, and family in person

I also feel sadness and loss for all my friends and others who are losing so much right now– loved ones, health, jobs, financial stability, graduations, ideal birth experiences, and so much more. We are all losing something.

The Big One

Another loss that has been weighing on me (something I can’t stop thinking about) is the loss of how I thought my life would go. I always planned on having my kids about 2-3 years apart. It was three years ago that I was pregnant with Brooke and it has been REALLY hard to accept that I (and we) are not ready to have another baby yet. This loss represents and is because of all the ways my life is not how I imagined it would be right now. (There are so many ways not even related to the pandemic)

It feels like a healthy choice for us, to allow me to keep healing emotionally and get started in my postpartum doula training (which is something I really want to do). But it also brings up so many feelings of failure, grief, and not being good enough. Part of me thinks my worth comes from being a good mom and serving others. To not get pregnant means I am making myself a priority for once. It also means I will (hopefully) be more capable of enjoying and being an even better mom now and when our next baby comes. (I am glad I get to teach Brooke that she AND I deserve getting our needs met. The best way to teach is by example.)

It seems like so many people I know are having their second (or third or fourth) babies and I feel behind. And I also know this is the part of my brain that developed because of my trauma and upbringing– the only way I could feel worthy and good enough was to measure up to what others were doing. I am learning to accept that even if things are good for others, it doesn’t mean they are good for me. My journey doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.

So what can I do? I am letting myself feel the pain. I’m listening to the part that really wants a baby. What do I think having a baby will make me feel? I think it would make me feel worthy and deserving of love, like a good mom, successful, and like I’m moving forward in life. I am trying as much as I can to let myself feel those things now, just as I am. I care for and nurture myself the best I can and remember that my life can be beautiful and wonderful, even if it’s not what I expected. I hope that my new healthier beliefs will sink in soon, but I am learning that it’s a constant practice to accept myself here as I am, the imperfect and still-in-the-process self that I am.

I am also trying to let the beautiful, restful moments sink in. Sometimes I feel like I need this extra time alone with Brooke because I didn’t get to enjoy her as much when she was younger because of my postpartum depression.

We have been very blessed to be able to spend meaningful time together as a family. We have been hiking a lot more and spending time in nature. I have been doing a lot more silent meditation. I have been reading more to Brooke and we’re enjoying silly time together as a family. I learned how to make bagels from my mother-in-law. And we have connected with my friends and family in new ways.

To all of you who feel the loss of what you thought would be, my heart is with you. If you haven’t, try letting yourself consider all the things you’ve lost and how life is different than you thought it would be. Let yourself grieve, honor the parts of you that don’t want to let go, and be patient as you find the gifts waiting within the loss.